“Hi Liam, I managed to gain a really weird and useful insight the other day that I really wanted to come on and share with you. I’ve been able to glimpse flaking from the other side of the fence through an unusual experience…
Basically, for a couple of weeks I’d been exercising raising my state, like before work or after work by having quick conversations with people during my commute, usually asking a quick question then bantering a bit then shaking hands and walking away…
So – here’s the crazy bit. The other day I chatted with an Asian (Pakistani) business man in the park, and it went a bit further than small talk, he was asking me questions about my work, my abilities etc – we started talking about cultural divides, and how our city is doing a good job of bringing people together, he started saying he wanted to set up a music workshop introducing Asian children to more western styles, specifically classical music – as he works in the city library, this all seemed legit… He wanted me to help in anyway I could and asked for my business card… so I told him:
“Nah, I don’t have a business card, but here’s my number.”
Then things sort of took a creepy turn. He started telling me at 27 I should be running my own business and I should use him to apply for a government grant to help him set up one of his projects and I could take it over when it started making money, he started commenting on my work attire and facial hair, saying I had a unique style but needed to make some changes, my belt was brown and my shoes were black, so I had to lose the belt, I shouldn’t have rolled up my sleeves and worn a tie, either sleeves down and cuff links or sleeves up and top button off, tie off. Etc. And at the end he was very persistent we should meet for coffee. He did actually give off sort of latent gay predatory vibes too, which while we were having a good conversation early on were pretty dormant.
A sort of reflex happened like, *Oh shit, I just gave a creepy Pakistani business man my number, now he wants me to basically “Hook up” with him, I’m now totally late for work… Oh shit oh shit oh shit fear shit death shit bum rape shit poverty shit extortion arrrrrrgh.*
So obviously, when the texts and calls started happening, I was like, oh fuck, this guy is a complete psycho stalker. I was experiencing anxiety… I felt sort of threatened. I just ignored all the calls and texts, thinking, yeah when Girls flaked on me in the past, I didn’t persist, this guy will get the message.
But man! I was like the pickupee and he was the PUA… I gave my number out of politeness and totally regretted it… and then not only was I “flaking” in his eyes, but I was kind of terrified too.
I think about all the daygame pickup infields out there where “PUA” guys are really having twist the chicks tit to get the number at the end of the conversation, like when the girls voice quivers a bit and she says “but, I don’t really know you…” and the guy is like “hey Girl, it’s fine, I’m so pimpin, you love it” and they just sort of roll off their number in a really ashen way… My brain has now felt what their brain felt. It is actually, a mild form of terror.
In the end, the Pakistani business dude looked me up through my work email and emailed me some ‘work related’ questions, so I emailed him back politely telling him I didn’t want him to attempt to contact me again and he was like “You should’ve answered your phone or your texts!” So I thought he was being a bit of a butthurt… he obviously had something riding on me going along with his plans for me, and by me being overtly chatty and friendly I must’ve conveyed that I was malleable to be manipulated etc.
Anyway, long and short is, actually, the guy might’ve been totally totally legit, and taken my willingness to chat, the fact that I showed social flare and the things we had in common as a sign that I might make an excellent business apprentice… but when I suddenly had to commit to something more than a chat before work to get my state up and was being made to feel I had to be compliant, my reaction, both physically and mentally was alarm bells all over. I didn’t want to have to be an arse hole and tell him I wasn’t actually interested in meeting him again, as he hadn’t really given me any concrete reason to be like that, but equally, I didn’t want to commit to some crazy projects when I already work full time and am a single dad with 3 kids.
So what I’m taking away from this is, any contact made after a number close needs to be about comfort building… and I will acknowledge if a number flakes with something to dampen the sensation of being creeped out that a girl might be feeling “Hey, Sorry if I got the wrong impression, I just thought you seemed really cool. Anyway, Good luck with (XYZ).”… compassion in game.
This is an amazing insight that Brian had: I used to keep a diary called ‘”From A Girls Perspective” and write down every time I had an experience like this that gave me an insight into female behaviour that can seem confusing on the surface but actually makes total sense when you look at the underlying emotions.
The end message is: YES, sometimes girls will be awkward and nervous when you ask for their number, NO that doesn’t mean you should NEVER ask, it means that if you have an understanding like Brian does about the potential for this situation to make a girl feel uncomfortable, it allows you to show her you understand. You can release the social pressure she’s feeling by saying, “I know it’s kind of strange, if we don’t make good texting buddies we can stop.” This isn’t a magic line, but an example of you communicating that you are taking this interaction one step at a time so she doesn’t feel that she’s committing to sex instantly by giving out her number. Don’t use this as an excuse to not close: ask, but understand her headspace and guide her through the experience comfortably.